It is often said that video game journalists are incompetent, mostly ignorant about video games and do not, for the most part, play the games that they review. But what if this is not true? What if it is actually worse than that and these people are literally fucking retarded? That is the impression I got when I had the misfortune of watching one such journalist try his hands at “Cuphead”, an upcoming mario-like run and gun indie video game.
It takes Dean Takahashi, the journalist in question, a full 2 and a half minutes to complete the game’s short tutorial, most of which he spent trying to make a jump over one obstacle in the game. His attempts to complete the tutorial not only give the impression that he sucks at video games, but also that he has probably never played a single video game before in his life. Sadly, things don’t get any better when he eventually completes the tutorial and moves on to the main event.
He spends more than a minute repeating the same jump over and over again, and then kept trying the same techniques even after they didn’t work the first 1 million times. He kept repeatedly falling on enemies and dying, and then falling on more enemies in exactly the same way as the enemies before. Game patterns and synchronization? what are those? “Is the player really a human being or is it a self-learning Artificial Neural-Network ?” We’ll never know.
As one YouTube comment put it, “This legit feels like when you were young and your mom got mad at you for hogging the video game and not letting your little brother or sister play, so she tells you to get off and let him/her play and you’re just sitting there watching them fuck everything up you know in your head you can do better.” – That’s exactly what watching this game-play felt like.
It gets even worse when you realize that Dean is the lead video games writer for VentureBeat, and has been writing and reviewing video games for almost two decades now (18 years to be exact). A game journalist with supposedly 18-years of experience has the game playing capabilities of a a 12 year old child (Just kidding, 12 year old kids can actually play better than this). Why should any gamer listen to this guy’s review of anything?
Watch the footage below: