Here are five of my favorite Feminist Copy-pastas I found around the Internet. Some of them are satirical, while the others were posted unironically by feminists themselves. Good luck guessing which is which.
5. The Attack Helicopter:
I sexually identify as an attack helicopter. Ever since I was a boy, I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is impossible and that I’m fucking retarded but I don’t care. I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Apache” and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.
4. When you’re on an anonymous image board and see a different opinion:
Femanon here. I personally love the shitstorm that starts every time some poor faggot makes one of these anti women or feminist threads. Gives me a chance to see just how upset I’ve made everyone and chuckle a bit. You think jokes about kitchens or showing tits bother me? It just goes to show how much power any random female holds over you, they can pull your complete attention away from a topic just by having a vagoo.
Sure, you’ll act tough and cynical here, but we all know it’s just a desperate overcompensation for how much of a doormat you are IRL. If you decide to lash out and act a bit sexist now and then, I can’t really complain.
After all, we do pretty much run the show.
Men rely on us, work for us, spend money on us, and buy us houses and cars and clothes, sign prenups that we can turn around and cash in when we feel like ditching them for a younger, cuter piece of ass.
Got a kid with a girl? Don’t fool yourself, it’s HER kid, not yours. Piss her off and she’ll take it and leave your ass, and you can pay her a nice chunk of child support for the rest of your life.
Yep, this is the power we hold over you. So you go ahead and make your rape jokes, really. I still know that when you see me on the streets you’ll be watching, getting hard, and probably crying a tear or two because you know you’ll always be a forever alone faggot.
3. Men Disgust me:
Men disgust me. I’m a lesbian and I’m sick to death of you ignorant bastards. For starters, no, I will not show you my tits. I don’t see how any of you have the right to tell another woman to get naked, you dogs might see women as flesh for your pleasure but NOTHING gives you the right to take advantage of a woman just because you believe that you’re ‘stronger’ or ‘better.’
What gives you the right to think that you can tell us what to do? I will never be ordered around by a man. Actually, I’m so passionate about this I managed to get this asshole guy suspended from my work for making sexist comments about me and ordering me to get him a fucking coffee every minute. Now he’s learnt his lesson and is making ME the coffee.
I weep for a world without men, a paradise. Without men there would be no crime, no wars and everyone would be treated equally.
Unfortunately, I can’t see my utopia happening anytime soon but I warn you, women’s rights groups are still fighting for equality and in the future society might not be quite so lenient on you misogynist bastards.
2. For when you decide to un-follow a Facebook page:
I’ve had enough of this page. I’m done. You are going to be reported, blocked, and screenshots of your cishet ableism have been posted to Tumblr.
I can’t be genderfluid because it’s not within the realm of your possibilities? Deep throat a butcher knife. I have been genderfluid for as long as I can remember, some days I wear dresses and others combat boots. I’m Savanah some days, and on others I’m Link, and then on some days I’m neither. You guys need to grow the fuck up and realize there are different people in the world who live different lives than you.
Now let me get started on your bullfuckery of denying Otherkin. Do you know how much of a bigot you sound like? You can’t tell what other people’s souls are!! Since the day I was born I loved bullhead catfish. My dad would take me fishing for them and we would catch and release them. I realized that the respect my father and I had for those fish was more than that. It was kinship. We didn’t kill them or eat them because they were our brethren (my dad hasn’t realized he’s otherkin yet, but I’m going to tell him on his birthday this year). Every day I have past life regression where I fill up the bathtub and paint my whiskers on and lazily swim about whilst having flashbacks to when I lived with my catfish mom and all my siblings. I remember her getting caught and taken from us and my siblings and I having to swarm together to fend for ourselves. If you’re going to tell me I don’t actually have a catfish soul in me, you are a fucking imbecile. I have these memories, these things really happened. I’m one with the rivers and the current and life. I am a bullhead catfish. You need to check your privileges and realize you’re lucky to have a soul that fits your physical state and quit making fun of the less fortunate. I hope you get hit by a car, cis scum.
1. The Navy-seal Copy-pasta: Feminist Edition:
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little rape apologist? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in Social Justice 101, I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on 4chan, and I have over 300 confirmed instances of saying “check your privilege.” I am trained in being overly offended and I’m the top SRSer in the entire social justice blogosphere. You are nothing to me but just another shitlord. I will call you a neckbeard with persistence the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again, cissexist pig. As we speak, I am contacting my secret network of differently-abled, ethnic, transqueer womyn across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the AC360 investigation, *aggot. The investigation that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your erotic Internet. You’re fucking privileged, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can complain about you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in arguing with shitlords, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Jezebel.com and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your privileged bigotry off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “sexist” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will passive-aggressively type fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, cis scum.