Man Goes Two Days Without Telling Anyone He’s a Vegan and Wins Vegan Award

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A North Carolina man has been honored with the Vegan of the Year award for going a full two days without informing anyone that he’s a vegan. The award was presented to him by the Committee of Annoying Vegans Federation (CAVF) on Tuesday the second of January 2016 after they had observed a 48 hour long security tape of the man and concluded that he had indeed gone a full two days without telling everyone how much of a vegan he is. The committee then congratulated him on his bravery and resilience which they said should be emulated by other members of the vegan community.

“This is an important day for vegans everywhere,” the board chairman Mr. Joshua Meatphobe said at a press conference held after the award ceremony. “This man had dared go where no vegan has ever gone before. It’s one small step for one man, but a giant step for the animal kingdom.” He then concluded his speech by singing the song “I’m a Vegan” notable for containing the lyrics “I’m a vegan, I’m a vegan; I’m a vegan, I’m a vegan; I’m a vegan…”

Back home in North Carolina, there was much joy and celebration between his friends and family members who were overjoyed and proud of his achievements. His local vegan club had held a coming home party for him. Our camera crew finally caught up with the award winning man but before we could relay our questions to him, he quickly grabbed the microphone and shouted “I’m a vegan!” really loudly and then heaved a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry, I just had to get that out of my system,” he said. “It’s been a very tiring two days.” When asked what his next step in life is, he said he planned on going a full three days and maybe a whole week without telling anyone he’s a vegan. “It’s going to be hard, but with practice and vigilance I think I can make it.”

3 COMMENTS

  1. People always talk about privilege…

    It’s worth pointing out that being able to choose not to use animal products is probably the most rich-person, first world privilege of all time.

  2. The headline is funny at least. The article builds up an amusing hightened reality that captures the imagination and tries to have fun with an article that could have just been somone bitching about hearing the word vegan uttered. That “Meatphobe” character name is lazy and unfunny writing that hardly passes as a pun. The only redeeming quality of that uncreative name is that it makes the reader imagine that this oddly neurotic form of veganism has been a tradition in his family for generations, or at least that he got a legal name change to express his personal devotion to his strawman facsimile of a cause. Even vegans would agree they have that friend that loves bringing it up out of nowhere when it’s completely uncalled for.

    People tell everyone they’re vegan because the have to. Everyone’s always trying to stuff food they don’t eat in their faces. It’s like being a straight guy that lives in a world that is a giant nightclub where almost everyone is gay men and you’re super attractive to them so they hit on you constantly. (Straight dude perspective chosen since this blog seems like they’d prefer that) You have to constantly inform them that you’re at least not interested. Let’s extend this drastically removed comparison. Imagine every time you actually find a woman that’s interested in you in this bizarre world I’ve concocted, she brings a dude with her for a threesome without telling you. She will always do this unless you tell her ahead of time you’d prefer not to integrate the third wheel dude into your date. If you don’t tell her not to bring him, he is coming. For vegans, the world is this nightclub.

    Everyone else LOVES these things they don’t eat, and they know these incredients are going into their food if they don’t say something. If a vegan is making themselves known, chances are that you or someone with you guys is trying to make them eat something they don’t wanna eat. If you’re hearing about vegans a lot, you’re probably in a restaraunt all the time or something. I mean, there are some that bring it up in the most bizarre circumstances, like regarding the upholstry in someone’s sedan or something, but odds are, it has to do with food. If you don’t accept every random dick on a crash course with your lips, it isn’t reasonable to expect vegans to submissively accept cheesy baconators against their will.

    I dunno. It’s pointless to mention it out of nowhere, but there are practical reasons for telling people in some situations. Tthe majority of times you hear someone bring up their veganism they’re checking if butter is in their food or something. I can imagine someone so preoccupied that they use “I’m a vegan” as their version of “hello”, but I’ve never met one in reality.

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