Information reaching us here at Shitlord News suggests that James McTrigger, a 30 year old Swedish man died earlier this morning, after jumping into the sea after a 6 year old child, with intent to ask the child what his preferred pronoun was.
James was talking a scroll on the beach this morning, when he heard a shuffling sound in the water. He rushed closer to the sea’s banks, to see what looked like struggling small legs disappear into the water. The legs resurfaced and then went under again, this time clearer than the first time. There was no doubt about it; that was a little child, and he was drowning. Not knowing how to swim, he decided to dial 911. Someone picked the call almost instantly:
“This is the Swedish Police department, how may we help you? Have you been misgendered? Did someone mansplain to you? Did someone manspread on the train? Whatever you need help with, just remember that we’re here to help “
James informed them that he was calling about a drowning incident, and his call was redirected to the “unimportant calls” department. 5 minutes later, there was a beep sound. “Unimportant calls department, how may we help you” James was silent. He hadn’t actually thought about what he was going to say until now. How was he going to report what was happening to the police without mis-gendering that poor child? He couldn’t even refer to him as a “child”, what if he identified as otherkin? “I’m calling about a drowning occurring right now. There’s a chil…a.. there’s a person drowning. He’s…he’s….he….” What if the child didn’t identify as a “He”? This was too much. Was saving this poor boy’s life really worth the pain he would suffer from mis-gendering him? Not seeing any other option, James jumped in after the kid. It didn’t matter how dangerous it was, he’s going to find that kid and ask him what his preferred pronoun was.
He was four feet underwater and he still couldn’t see the kid. Time to go deeper. He pushed and pushed, each times going farther and farther underwater. Finally, he saw what he had been looking for; Those two distinctive legs, wiggling back and forth. He pushed deeper, forward towards the kid. He was going to find out this kid’s gender if it was the last thing he ever did. As he drew closer, the legs looked less like human legs and more like those of barbie dolls. Yup. He was holding in his hands what looked like a disfigured barbie doll. How he could have confused them for human legs, he had no idea.He looked up and there was water everywhere, He was 50 feet underwater or something, he couldn’t tell. They don’t teach you about measurement in gender studies class. He attempted to make a move upwards, but the water just kept pushing him down. His entire life begun to flash before him. All those days he spent calling people “Shitlords” online. Those days he wasted going to pride parades to twerk. Those sunny days when he would sit on the bench and watch other men have intercourse with his wife. How did he get here? It didn’t have to end like this.
Funeral arrangements for the late James McTrigger are still being planned.