Dublin, Ireland: A local idiot has claimed he was merely trolling, in response to allegations that he is mentally deficient. Finian Duffy, IQ 67, was helping his brother with his homework, when he interjected his opinions regarding the mathematical equation “1+4.” He initially stated that the answer is 3.14, as opposed to his 7 year old brothers answer of 5. “I was just trolling. It was a joke! I was only pretending to be retarded!” Finian nervously laughed as we asked him to explain his rationale for the 3.14 answer. “I didn’t really think it was 3.14, I knew it was 5. But if I had to explain my answer, it would be this. You split 4 into three parts because when you separate it, you lose one value out of it. So 4 become 3 separate 1’s. You then have to separate 1 into three parts, dropping off the value, that would be three separate .25’s. Finally, you add 3 to .25, and you get the answer 3.14. But it’s a joke so this obviously isn’t real.”
We then asked the confused and nervous Finian, what happens with the other two .25’s and how .25 becomes .14 when added to 3. Finian then got up and reiterated that he was only pretending. “Look guys, it was just a joke. I was trolling. T-R-O-L-E-N-E, trolling! Give it a rest!” Before we could question him on his spelling, Finian had left the room to go play with his Card Captors action figures in the backyard.
“He’s just an idiot.” Finians 7 year old brother Sean, has always had issues with his older brother when it comes to any sort of cognitive effort. “Whenever he’s proven wrong, whether it’s about the color of the sky, or the size of his shoes, he always falls back on, ‘Oh I was just trolling you, haha you fell for it.’ It’s gotten old.” Sean says that the first few times it happened, it was kind of funny, saying that he would laugh at Finian’s lack of intelligence, but after 3 years, it’s gotten tiresome. “My first memories are of me proving him wrong in something, and him saying he was joking around. I would laugh back then, it was funny. ‘Wow, I’m 4, and I’m smarter than this 15 year old boy, how hilarious.’ But now, it’s just annoying. I’m getting tired of fighting his stupidity.”
Sean suspects that Finian may be autistic, citing his day-to-day behavior as evidence. “All he does is watch anime, go on Tumblr, and read comic books. Honestly, I’m shocked that he can even read. He throws tantrums when he doesn’t get chicken tenders, and is always calling me a ‘normie’ and telling me to get out. I don’t understand any of it. Sometimes, I wish my parents were alive, so they could suffer with me.”
We consulted Dr. Richard Clark, a neurologist at the Mayo clinic in Rochester, MN to find out more about Finians possible autism. “Based on his behavior, he definitely has autism. But it’s a curious case of what kind of autism. Generally, autism is broken up into several categories, among them are Comic Book Autism, Tumblr Autism, Anime Autism, and so on and so forth. Oddly enough, Finian has characteristics of CBA, TA, and AA. Even more unbelievable, this fixation with what he himself calls ‘tendies’ is truly fascinating. Almost as if there he has a new strand of autism that has yet to be discovered.” Dr. Clark plans to perform multiple tests on Finian, however, he is expecting Finian to quote House, and self-diagnose throughout the process.