I don’t care about your “Preferred pronouns”

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I have written 2 drafts of this article so far and deleted both versions, because they were just too offensive – even for me. Over the months, I have received several messages from you guys , asking me to write an article covering the topic of “preferred pronouns”, as this was a new and rising trend among Social Justice warriors. For various reasons, I’ve postponed this for quite a while, but I finally got around to writing one. From the heading of the article, I believe you can already tell what my opinion of preferred pronouns are: Fuck them. I don’t care what your preferred pronoun is, I’m calling you whatever the fuck I want.

Remember when “He” and “She” were the only pronouns in existence? Pepperidge farm remembers. “Preferred pronouns” are the latest wave of stupidity to have escaped the mental asylum that is Tumblr. Here’s how they work. Someone claiming to be “Genderfluid”(A scientific impossibility) might probably prefer “they/them/their” pronouns. A “Genderless”(Another scientific impossibility) person, would also most likely use “xe/xim/xis” pronouns and someone who identifies as “otherkin”(A mental disorder), might use “ve/vis/vir” pronouns. Basically, every time special snowflakes invent a new gender, the next logical step is find an appropriate pronoun for it. So as the total number of genders increase, we can expect to see more pronouns in the future. Refusal to use someone’s preferred pronoun will get you labeled a “bigot” or “Misgendering asshole” on the Internet.

And that’s cool and all, but it doesn’t end there. Like most rhetoric that Tumblr comes up with, being the narcissists that they are, they don’t feel accomplished unless they get to force their ideas on everyone else. Just a week ago, we reported on a story about how a College in Vermont was handing out “pronouns pins” to its students to start off the new academic year. In January of this year, New York city passed a law that would effectively fine people $250,000 for failing to use people’s preferred pronouns. Later on in May, a teacher in Oregon was given a $60,000 payout after she alleged that her coworkers had abused her by referring to her using inappropriate pronouns. Tumblr isn’t just infecting the real world, they have already taken it over, and are now making it dance to their beat.

What these people fail to realize it that a pronoun isn’t a fashion accessory like a shoe or handbag, that you can just pick up when you want and throw away when you no longer need them. In Grammar, Pronouns are words used in place of names(Nouns). The primary purpose of pronouns is to help avoid repetition, and to make sentences easier to construct and understand. That’s it. Pronouns only exist to make it easier for us to communicate with one another. Instead of saying something like “Ryan is a boy. Ryan who loves cake. Ryan loves meat”, you say “Ryan is a boy who loves cake and meat”. -A much simpler and easier to understand sentence. “Who”, being the pronoun in this sentence. Once you understand this very simply and elementary principle, you’ll realize why the concept of “Preferred pronouns” make no sense. With the help of pronouns, we can refer to people without having to ask for their names. If there’s a man falling from an airplane, you don’t need to meet him in mid air to inquire of his name, you can simply say “He is falling down” – Because he is male. The moment you have to ask what someone’s preferred pronoun is, you’re missing the entire point of pronouns.

There are currently more than 7 billion people on the planet right now(and still counting). Statistically speaking, assuming that you live up to 78 years(The lifespan of an average human being), you are going to interact with at least 80,000 people before your death. According to these special snowflakes, not only should you ask all 80,000 of these people what their preferred pronouns are, but you should also keep them to memory and use them appropriately. Pronouns were meant to make life easier, not to make it more complicated. Having to ask people for their preferred pronoun defeats the entire purpose of having pronouns in the first place. I mean, we invented pronouns so we wouldn’t have to ask everyone for their name when referring to them. And now you want us to ask people for their pronouns when referring to them? How is that any different. You are literally attempting to solve a problem by removing it and then re-creating that same problem in its place. Instead of asking people for their pronouns, we could just go back asking people for their names instead. If you have enough time to ask everyone for their pronouns, then you no longer need pronouns.

“But what about “THEY” pronouns”?

This is a question I get quite a lot, mostly from people who reject Tumblr’s extreme brand of pronouns, but think there might be room for some kind of compromise. They don’t recognize the validity of all the “xe/xer/xem” type of pronouns, but they still think it should be okay to refer to singular individuals as “they”. They often point out that some of the greatest writers of all time, like Shakespeare, Jane Austen, William Thackeray and George Bernard Shaw, referred to singular individuals as “they”. Whiles  it is technically true that all of these writers used “They” when referencing a person, it is important to recognize the context in which it was used. In the Elizabethan era and most of the modern era, “they” was/is used when referencing a simply person, when the person is in a situation where it is impossible to identify his/gender. Imagine this: You’re walking by the beach and see the figure of someone swimming underwater. Or you are sitting at home and hear a knock at the door. In both of these situations, you can’t identify the person’s gender, because you can’t see them clearly.

Its the age old “Schrodinger’s cat” thought experiment. Until the person opens the door and comes inside, you can think of him as both male and female simultaneously. Until the guy swimming resurfaces, he is both male and female. You cannot call him “He” or “She”, because both of those pronouns are just as likely to be wrong as each other. So you say “They are at the door” or “They are swimming”. It doesn’t mean the individual in question is “Genderfluid” or “Genderless”, it just means that physical circumstances hinder you from identifying his gender. After the figure swimming underwater come out of the water, or the man at the door comes inside, you will no longer refer him/her as “they”. You know their gender now. Trying to use a nuance of Grammar to justify your stupid pronouns is asinine.

“But Native Americans and several other native tribes had a third gendered pronoun”

So? Several of those tribes also believed in magic and thought that they could control the weather by dancing in a certain manner. Are you suggesting that we should change the English language, because the language of a less developed civilization had some elements that you want? That’s a no from me.

The only pronouns I’m ever going to call you are “He” or “She”. Reject both of them, and I’ll refer to you as an “IT”