Comparing People to Hitler Doesn’t Make You Right; Archaeologists Discover

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Researchers have come across skeletons believed to date as far back as Nazi Germany which according to archaeologists, proves that comparing people to Adolf Hitler does not make you right. Speaking to Shitlord News, the leader of the archaeologist expedition one Mr. Dabumtss said that this was a discovery that has “changed the game forever.” According to him, prior to the discovery being made, about 70% of internet arguments consisted of people comparing others to Hitler and/or the Nazi Party, quickly followed by the person declaring himself winner of the debate. Ever since the discovery was made, at least two users of the social networking site Tumblr have committed suicide. Dabumtss expressed his sorrow at the news and paid his respects to the victims’ parents. However, he said that as researchers they had a moral obligation to report the entire truth, no matter what effects it might have on people. Finally, we asked him how skeletons from Nazi Germany could ever be enough proof for such a claim, though he was reluctant to answer us. “That’s confidential, a magician never reveals his tricks,” he said.

 

We also spoke to two internet users and asked them how they felt about the new discovery, the first one Joseph, 26, from Texas, a republican and avid supporter of presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was overjoyed at the new discovery and that it would be a welcome change to not be compared to Hitler every time he had a different opinion than someone else. He then cited some statistics on black crime rates and told us that anyone who isn’t white is diseased. “White power! White power!” he chanted as our news crew left the scene. Our second interviewee, a self-described “Anarcho-Communist,” liberal, and Bernie Sanders supporter was reluctant to speak to our cameras because she said cameras were “triggering” to her. Off camera however, she expressed her anger at the new research and said it had made her internet experience much more inconvenient. “What gives them the right to tell me I can’t compare people to Hitler?” she muttered as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“This discovery and the conclusions drawn from it are most likely false,” she continued. “It’s nothing but a conspiracy by the white Christian heterosexual patriarchy to stop women from comparing people to Hitler.” When our news crew asked her if she could provide any evidence to support the claim that the research was false, she seemed to take offense and told us we were just as bad as Hitler. Our news crew offered her an apology but she walked off. “I don’t talk to Nazis,” we heard her say from the distance as she faded from sight.

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