AREA WOMAN FINDS MISSING FAT ROLL

After a month of searching, a woman finds her missing fat roll. “I was so relieved. It’s so good to be whole again.” Missy Johnstone, 467 pounds, of Sydney, had woken up and lost one of her fat rolls. She claims the incident occurred

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Sydney, Australia: After a month of searching, a woman finds her missing fat roll. “I was so relieved. It’s so good to be whole again.” Missy Johnstone, 467 pounds, of Sydney, had woken up to to find she had lost one of her fat rolls. She claims the incident occurred while she was at the beach, enjoying a break from her usual routine of staying inside and complaining. “I decided to venture out to help people check their privilege. Everything was going swimmingly,” she said. “I decided to take a break from checking privileges and chose to relax for a bit. I was burning my pale skin in the sun, wearing my favorite non-patriarchal conforming beach attire. Suddenly, it felt as though something was wrong. Like something had changed.”

 

She claims she knew something was wrong when an overwhelming sense of privilege washed over her. “I started to notice that people were looking at me differently; like I was some kind of monster that hadn’t checked their privilege. I started to panic, and my anxiety went into overdrive. I knew I needed to get home and figure out what was wrong. I waddled over to my car and rushed home as fast as I could, and when I looked in the mirror…I couldn’t believe it.” She says she looked “disgustingly skinny” compared to her usual self and had never been so appalled. “I felt terrible. I couldn’t believe it. The hideous creature in the mirror was me. I can really sympathize with the people in the holocaust. I’ve never felt so starved in my life.”

 

She claims that one of her rolls had simply disappeared, nowhere to be found. “I searched everywhere, but couldn’t find it. I immediately wrote about it on Tumblr. I then contacted the police, but they were no help.” We asked police chief Barry Townsend about this claim. “We had no clue where to start.” He claims. “You never hear of something like this happening. It really threw us for a loop.” Chief Townsend says that he organized a search party to comb the beach but they “hadn’t found sh*t.” A month later, the good news was sent out. Missy had found her missing roll. “I couldn’t believe it! A month later and there it was, plain as mayonnaise!” She told us that she had found the missing roll on the back of her head, a place that she had never thought to look. “I can’t really reach back there to feel, because of the curvaceous nature of my arms and back. But my mom told me there was something on the back of my head, so I grabbed a hand held mirror and looked. Lo and behold, there it was!
I feel like a real woman again. No more being a privileged monster. I could finally go back to living as the beautiful woman that I truly am.” We asked gastroenterologist Dr. Bryan Goldstein about the fat roll going missing. “I’ve never heard of this.” He says. “I mean, a woman of her size going outside, let alone fitting into a vehicle, is miraculous.” Dr. Goldstein says he plans to study Missy to learn more about the phenomenon. Missy responded by saying, “I’m happy to be part of the study. Now that I’m a full, curvy woman again; I don’t mind getting some attention! This is going straight to Tumblr!”

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