5 Reasons to kill yourself today

  1. You’re stupid: You are not a very smart human being, and you know it. All your opinions and beliefs are wrong, you have a low IQ and you are of no use to the human race. The only contribution you will ever make to our species is if you die and your carcass is used as manure, and even then it might be used to grow plants that might be useless themselves or that would wither and die. Fact is, killing yourself would be the most interesting thing you would have done in your lifetime.
  1. No one will miss you: Face it; no one will miss you if you killed yourself today. Sure, the process of burying you and the high cost involved in arranging your funeral proceedings might inconvenience your family members, but it would all be worth it in the end since no one would have to see your pathetic self ever again. Even your own parents would heave a sigh of relief knowing that their prodigal son/daughter was finally off the face of the earth. Sure, that might make them childless, but it would be worth it. “Better to have no children than to have a degenerate one.”
  1. You deserve Hell: Make no mistake; you will not visit paradise when you die. On the contrary, you will journey to the pits of Hell and pay penance for the sad life you have lived. Your anal regions will be sexually maltreated by Lucifer himself (he’s gay), who will take pleasure in dominating you like the pathetic little weakling you are. And you deserve it too. The life you have lived on Earth has been meaningless and without worth. It is only in the lowest parts of the abyss that you will find purpose.
  1. All men die eventually: It is a simple fact of life; all men die. Whether it is today, a week from now or in fifty years’ time, what does it really matter? And what difference does it make? In fact by choosing not to kill yourself today, you are preparing yourself for a life of suspense. Will you die today? Will the car you drive tomorrow morning be involved in an accident? Will you choke on your breakfast next week? You will never know, and not knowing will eat you from inside. The only way to end it all and know for sure is to kill yourself today and take control of the situation.
  1. God wills it: Think about it; if God is real, then that means we do not live in a deterministic universe. Everything that has happened, is happening and will happen in the future has already been written down by God himself. This means you have already been programmed to kill yourself immediately after reading this article. By opting not to kill yourself, you are going against the word and plan of the creator. Trust me, you don’t want to be on His bad side. In addition, by refusing to kill yourself even though God has already willed it, you might break the space-time continuum and might initiate a series of events like creating a black hole which would ultimately lead to the end of our world as we know it. Seriously, just go ahead and kill yourself.