Everything You Need to Know About “Otherkin”

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If you have so far lived a blissful life, unaware of what “otherkin” are, well let me ruin your day, week, month or life. Trust me, in the words of Jay Z, “This shit crazy.” Otherkin are people who identify as partially or entirely nonhuman. Yes, you heard that right. There are people out there who believe they are a dragon, fox, snake, lion, etc. Some even go as far as to identify as mystical creatures such as ogres, unicorns and three headed beasts. Otherkin use “kin” to refer to what animal(s) they think they are. For example, an otherkin who feels like he is a wolf would call himself “wolfkin”, an otherkin who identifies as an ogre would call himself “ogrekin,” and so on. Otherkin are mostly found on public forums such as Reddit, TV Tropes, Tumblr (big shocker), and other online communities. Some otherkin (see “otherkinism”) hold spiritual and or religious beliefs as most of them believe they were animals in their previous lives.

Then there are “fictivekins” or “fictives” who identify as fictional characters; ergo you could have “Cinderella-kin,” “MickeyMouse-kin,” and so on. On blogging sites like Tumblr, arguments often get heated between otherkin and transgender individuals. On one hand, transgender individuals accuse otherkins of cheapening what it feels like to feel real dysphoria. On the other hand, otherkin believe their opponents are merely closed-minded. As one otherkin said, “You would expect that transgender people who would know what it means to be prosecuted to understand the otherkin struggle but no, bigotry isn’t exclusive to bigots I guess.” The otherkin community online has grown vert large, so large that in the past few years, that there are now “starkin”, “Filipinokin,” and even hybrids such as “mouse-snakekin”, “toad-lizardkin,” etc. It’s gotten so bad that in a typical otherkin thread online, you wouldn’t be able to differentiate between who is being genuine and who is merely pretending in order to troll the community.

Well those are the official definitions of the various kinds of otherkin anyway. Here’s my take on otherkin; otherkin are a magical race of people that are usually combinations of two very special creatures. For example, an otherkin will mostly be part morbidly obese and part attention whore. Otherkin are often misunderstood because it’s hard to understand someone when they’ve got their mouth full of one of those sculpted dragon-penis shaped dildos. It’s not unheard of for a teenager with gawky looks and low self-esteem to stumble across an enclave/nest/website/asylum full of these people and after being greedily accepted by them, suddenly remember that he was (in a previous life) part basilisk, part Merlin. He/she will maintain this belief until he/she gets laid.

NOTE: If he/she gets laid by a fellow otherkin, all bets are off for the return of sanity.

He/she will probably die at the age of 59 with a smile on his/her face, knowing that in the next life he/she will be a wyvern claiming to be Normalkin that was once human who the other wyverns will make fun of and push into the mud. In a perfect world, we’d be allowed to send them to camps where guys in knight’s armor would spend the day walking around and smacking them gently on the head with blunt swords until they smarten up. But this is not a perfect world. The best we normies can hope for is to catch one unaware, steal their prosthetic unicorn horn, and run away giggling while they stand there wetting their pants in an impotent fury screaming “Brinnnnng baaaaack myyyyy horrrrrrn!”

Otherkin are prone to outbursts of nonsensical gibberish. “We come from all walks of life!” is a popular one. This is, of course, completely insane as no normal person could ever imagine (for example) Barack Obama, Jennifer Aniston, or Yul Brenner coming out of the magical closet to reporters. You need to have hit rock bottom to slide down that slippery slope. Yes, that was a mixed metaphor, but if they can be half gryphons and half Santa’s elves, then I can mix my metaphors. Suck it, dragon-boy. In conclusion, all otherkin should be sterilized to keep them from breeding.

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